When you can't sleep tonight....

  1. Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.
  2. If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?
  3. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  4. Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  5. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  6. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
  7. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  8. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  9. If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
  10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  13. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest talking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  14. Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers?
  15. How do they get those deer to cross at those yellow signs?
  16. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  17. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  18. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  19. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  20. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
  21. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  22. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
  23. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
  24. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
  25. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
  26. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  27. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
  28. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
  29. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
  30. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
  31. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
  32. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
  33. Why is there always one in every crowd?
  34. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
  35. Is it possible to have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?
  36. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
  37. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
  38. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  39. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  40. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  41. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  42. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  43. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
  44. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  45. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  46. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  47. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
  48. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  49. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  50. Do radioactive cats have 18 half - lives?
  51. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  52. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  53. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
  54. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  55. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  56. If American mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use? Perhaps toothpicks?
  57. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
  58. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
  59. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
  60. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag?
  61. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
  62. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  63. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
  64. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  65. So what's the speed of dark?
  66. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
  67. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
  68. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
  69. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  70. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  71. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  72. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  73. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
  74. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  75. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  76. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  77. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  78. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
  79. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  80. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  81. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  82. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  83. If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
  84. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
  85. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  86. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
  87. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  88. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  89. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  90. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  91. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  92. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  93. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  94. Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  95. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  96. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  97. If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says --"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
  98. Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
  99. If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
  100. Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
  101. Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
  102. Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
  103. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
  104. Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
  105. Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
  106. Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
  107. Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
  108. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
  109. Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
  110. How can someone "draw a blank"?
  111. Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
  112. Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
  113. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  114. What is another word for "thesaurus"?
  115. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
  116. Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
  117. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
  118. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  119. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  120. Why do we say something is "out of whack"? What IS a whack? How do you get in one?
  121. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
  122. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
  123. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
  124. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
  125. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  126. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  127. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
  128. Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
  129. Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
  130. Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
  131. Does a fish get cramps after eating?
  132. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  133. Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
  134. What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
  135. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  136. Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.
  137. How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
  138. Why is FOOTball played by hand?
  139. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  140. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  141. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  142. What's another word for synonym?
  143. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
  144. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  145. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  146. How can there be self-help groups?
  147. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  148. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
  149. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
  150. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
  151. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  152. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
  153. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  154. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
  155. Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
  156. Why is it that you button up a button-down shirt?
  157. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  158. Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
  159. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
  160. If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
  161. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
  162. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
  163. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  164. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  165. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out?"
  166. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  167. Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
  168. Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
  169. What's the opposite of opposite?
  170. If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
  171. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  172. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  173. What do you call male ballerinas?
  174. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
  175. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  176. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
  177. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
  178. Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
  179. Why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
  180. Why is the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star the same tune?
  181. I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
  182. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  183. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  184. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
  185. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
  186. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
  187. Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Another angle on life

  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  • Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turnout OK.
  • Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
  • Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
  • STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Clones are people two.
  • Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
  • As I said before, I never repeat myself!
  • If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far."
  • Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..
  • What a nice night for an evening.
  • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
  • I live on a one-way dead-end street.
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
  • Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
  • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?